Welcome to my Enigma
Sad.
You send me the occasional text. I mean, I love getting them, but you’re killing me with them. I want to read more and more of them, but I know better. In the texts you keep writing that you’re not trying to start anything, but you know that by just sending that one message, I am interpreting so many different things. I wish I could message you back. My heart is screaming reply to her! But my mind has taken over and it knows better. I’m learning…and that’s whats so sad. I’m learning that this is for the better. Sad.
Decisions.
05.16.13
I was sleeping. I woke up and grabbed my phone as usual and there it was. A message from you. 2 AM. “Can I come pick up my stuff tomorrow’s”. I missed your typos haha. I’ve always hated making decisions. Do this or do that.. I could never choose. I always needed and wanted help making decisions. Why? Maybe I don’t like the pressure, or maybe because in the end if something goes wrong I won’t have to blame myself. I don’t know… During our relationship I made all the calls. I made the decisions and I enforced them. This time, you’re in charge. You’re making the decisions and you are enforcing them hard. When I read your message, my heart dropped. I thought I was having a mini heart attack. I consulted my friends Chad and Rachel. Chad is a lot like Lauren. He is kind, easy to get along with, and in a sense passive. Rachel fits in with personality type. She’s stubborn, a leader, and very assertive. When I asked both of them what to do, I got complete different answers. Chad told me to stay strong and to leave all of her stuff on the porch and to let her come get it without seeing me. Rachel told me to follow my heart, and if I have something to say to her, I need to say it and at least know I tried my best. To be honest, I was expecting the opposite answers from the two of them. I don’t want to give back your stuff… it’s the only thing I have left of you. A couple of shirts, your brush, some letters, and your pillow. Pathetic, I know. All this week, I haven’t touched any of it, but it’s always nice knowing that I still have it here with me. I know that if i want to move on and keep going I need to let these things go.. but a part of me doesn’t want to let you go. A part of me is screaming to not give up, to keep fighting and to win you back. But my mind is telling me that this is for the best. Ahhh, the great war between heart and mind. Who will win? I guess time will have to tell.
